A Scared Thief
by MuddyWolf
Summary: What if Lupin was the thief that had encountered Envy in the other world of Edward Elric? What will become of Jigen's pink puppet? Can it get any stranger than this? It probably can. Read and enjoy! Or not.


Legal Stuff: Edward Elric and Envy belong to Hiromu Arakawa. Fritz Lang as portrayed by Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to whoever

put him in the film. Lupin belongs to Monkey Punch.

A/N: What if the one who had broken into Envy's castle was none other than

Lupin the Third? If anyone had this idea before and wrote about it, please tell me. : (

8/24/08

A Scared Thief

by Blue9Tiger

The bright headlights cut into the path and the surrounding tangle of shrubs,

overgrown on the deserted country road. Away from the bustle of the city, this remote

way, far removed from Berlin, was where man had not completely exerted his dominance.

Or maybe..he had once before, but humans had long since abandoned it and left the vegetation

to reclaim it once more.

The car bounced along the untamable road, burrowing into ruts and climbing over small

hills, jerking with the unevenness of the trail. Rabbits scurried out of the way of the creaking

sputtering machine, that maneuvered dexterously over the jerks and twists despite its

unwieldy design. The alchemist in the brown coat sat half-relaxed, half on-edge with his

bad arm hanging halfway outside the car. He ran his piercing gaze over the terrain that

wasn't unlike the wilds outside Resembool. Not to mention the spitting image of Fuehrer

Bradley was driving the car, minus the military uniform, tan complexion, and the ouroboros that took the

place of a human eye. Logical as he was, though he had already confirmed himself that this wasn't

Bradley, that it was Mustang who had survived whatever had happened in the Fuehrer's masnion,

it was still a little unsettling that on this side of the Gate Bradley's likeness was just a normal gentleman.

Of course, Ed hadn't been in Germany for long--nor was he a moving pictures type, but

you didn't have to be either to hear the terrifying stories of Fritz Lang the tyrant, Fritz Lang the slave-

driver, so brutal that he was even less human than Bradley.

For whatever reason, Lang wanted to be civil with Ed and never exposed his other

face, the one that many others had remembered long after his rather lonely and unsung

death.

The decrepit castle stood solitary on the hill. The entrance had already been

forced--it was only a matter of pushing open the door. The long-abandoned halls

were caked in dust, mold grew free in the cracks, the dampness of the air was

heavy. It hung in the air without much effect on Ed, who was used to crawling

around in dark, cramped places. The lamp swayed in its metal cage that Ed

gripped by the handle.

_And to think that humans over on this side of the Gate could build something_

_like this without alchemy. _

They had penetrated deeper into the castle. Turning a corner, they came on

a set of stairs. Lang had been talking about the stupid dragon since back when they

were driving up to the castle--this irritated Ed, who took no stock in fairytales, and

who had heard quite enough of substance-less rumors. And now what was this

Fritz Lang saying? That it was some burglar who saw the dragon? Really, how

nutty could this guy be to believe a scared thief?

--

"I think I'll go over and pop into Germany for a while!"

Jigen had his large nose stuffed inside a newspaper, reclining on the

couch that cried out for new upholstery. His shoes were muddy and planted

on the floor, but the smell from the mud was leaking into the couch.

"For what, Lupin, gonna swipe the lost crown of a Kaiser or something?"

Lupin slipped into his red jacket, shoved in a fresh magazine in his

Walther, and reached for the doorknob.

"Nope, even better! I'm going to slay a dragon and get knighted!"

He put one foot on the table and assumed a heroic pose that fell

into a chimpish grimace as Jigen held his head and hurled a raucous

fit of laughter into the otherwise quiet room, displaying his giant mouthful

of white teeth. He then groaned, turned his head towards the couch,

and muttered,

"C'mon, I think all this downtime is slow-roasting your brain.

Why don't you go bug Pops? I'm sure he's missin' you."

"Nah, he's doing a little number as a clown down at Night Katz. If I go over

there now he might impale me with his little sign that he hauls

around all day!" Lupin smirked and his eyes rolled upward thoughtfully.

"Anyhow, Goemon stole the friggin' dragon's liver, why can't I steal its

love parts and put it into a donkey and make a dragon-donkey?"

Jigen pushed himself up with an elbow and grit his teeth.

"Rgh, damnit boss, can't you be serious for five friggin' seconds? First of all,

that kinda stunt would only work in the Bulgakovian universe! Second of

all, you've watched _Shrek 2 _too many goddamn times. Third of all, that's

just sick. Fourth of all, I'm gonna stop talking to you."

"Jigen?"

"..."

"Hey, Jigen!!"

"..."

Lupin pulled out something from behind his back. It was a pink puppet made in

France.

"Hey, Ji-JI, look what I got here!"

"...?"

His face darkening with absolute evil, Lupin pulled a knife out of nowhere and knicked

the puppet's throat with the blade. Jigen's eyes grew wide and sad and frantic and alarmed

and every emotion that a so-called small-time hood shouldn't have. He promptly killed

Lupin and scattered his ashes--or that's what he would have done if he wasn't so loyal.

He simply grabbed his throat, slammed him into the floor, and let him stumble away with

a few bruises and a bleeding lip.

--

"So tell me, grandson, what ever possessed you to go to this cursed sanctuary?"

The self-styled gentleman-cambrioleur crouched concealed inside a thick row

of trees, the younger blood-of-his-blood once-removed negating whatever camouflage

the elder's black clothing provided with his bright red jacket. Lupin blinked, intently

staring at the castle, breaking it down, studying its weaknesses, the flaws in its design,

calculating, computing, and doing one-handed cartwheels.

"The treasure, of course! What else is there?" he winked with a lopsided grin. The

older Lupin, smiled and returned his grandson's modern

with his older French.

"You do know, of course, that there is no treasure here."

"Come on, gramps, I wouldn't call myself a master of my trade if I hadn't already

done the research! Like I said to Jigen, I'm gonna slay the dragon and get knighted!"

"Well, I suppose that you've made up your mind about all of this. I wish you success, long life,

happiness, everything!" With a devilish chuckle he wrapped himself up his cape and

vanished, but not before rapping the other's head with his cane. "I would appreciate it if you

did not lie to me--I'm your grandfather!"

"Ow!" Lupin rubbed the back of his head with his fingers, and aimed his funny squealing

voice at the air. "You already know why the hell I'm going! Geez, can't a guy have a little fun?

Cantankerous old fart!" Bop. "Hey, watch it!"

--

The castle came up fast as Lupin approached it, whipping through the thick mass of

vegetation, producing minimal noise, a spirit passing through undetected. Except he was

made of flesh. And his skin felt a pricking sensation as he neared the castle. He felt breath

from the uppermost tower.

_...Envy._

Lupin had never forgotten anyone that tried to kill him. Maybe the weird artificial human-thing

had changed faces, apparently he had turned into a dragon, but that didn't fool him.

The master thief broke into the castle as only one of his caliber would know how

and plunged into the depths of the stronghold. No gold or jewels anywhere as he had

already found out and as Lupin the First had warned him, just the sepulchral silence of a hollow,

dead pile of stones. Dead except for the lifeform at the top--he was getting closer. He bounded

up the stairs, making as much sound as a cat. His flashlight glowed, bathing the darkness in

a pale yellow. With every step the breath thundered louder.

Lupin picked the rusted lock that fell to his feet in a heap. He swung open the door

and bounded in, sighting the snakelike form of the dragon. The creature exhaled through

its nostrils and his cruel eyes glowed from the base of the tower.

_You've got a lot of grapes coming here. Who the hell are you--not that I really care _

_what's the name of my lunch--but whatever. You humans always wanna make a pitiful_

_attempt to individualize yourselves and stand out from the rest--so I'll humor you before_

_I kill you._

The dragon raised himself to his full height, his head just scraping the castle

ceiling, jaws twisted in a sneer, casting a shadow over the little human.

"You Homuncu-whatsis or whatever the hell you call yourselves really think you're

so high-and-mighty --well, tell me this, Envy--does wiping out an entire village make you

feel special?"

_No, I just like making humans suffer. _The creature's jaws loosened. His elongated

head swayed in patience. _Are you done lecturing me? Hurry up, 'cause I'm getting hungry._

_What makes you think you can beat me, huh? Who are you?_

The dragon's voice, seeping into his head, had the tone of a bored and antsy adolescent,

itching for a fight. Or a meal. Whatever was more fun.

"You don't remember me? I was at the lady's wedding, after all. Nice little number,

probably the first good thing that happened to that hamlet, and then bam!" He closed his

fist to illustrate his point. "That friggin' Fossil's Disease turns the wedding into a friggin'

funeral!"

Envy's jaws dropped into a disdainful scowl, and one narrowed eye widened,

and his voice echoed furious in the human's head.

_You're--you're that cocky bastard that survived my epidemic! How did you get _

_through the Gate? _

"Oh, I don't know, just a little human ingenuity, that's all! Heeheeh!" the red-wearing thief drew

out his Walther with lightning-quick speed, and shifted to his other leg. "I'm Lupin the Third by the way--it'd be nice to meet you if

you didn't turn my stomach!."

_I turn your stomach? _Envy growled, laughing manically. _What about you, spewing all this_

_righteous crap? Are you like that pathetic pipsqueak--am I an impurity in your precious sample_

_that human stupidity birthed and is gonna abort? Huh?! _

"Heeh--me? I'm not humanity's guardian, if that's what you're thinking. Not particularly righteous,

either. But it's not really fair for all those people to have just dropped dead while their killer's

masquerading as some harmless old geezer, now, is it?" Lupin calmly aimed at the dragon's head

and squeezed the trigger, the smell of gunpowder flooding into the tower. Envy growled in response,

that same sneer twisting his draconic features as blood leaked from his skull.

_Really, now? That's even more stupid than trying to purge the world of Homunculi! You're boring_

_me now, so just shut up and die already!_

With a roar Envy lunged, smashing his head into the wall as the agile human sprang from

the floor, latching onto the projections on the wall. He pulled himself upright by flipping over onto

the lump in the wall and gained his footing long enough to feel the crack of his bones as Envy's

tail hit him dead center in the back. He heard another crack as he smacked face-first into the ceiling,

and he bounced limp from one part of Envy to another, hitting the floor in a battered heap.

The Walther bounced after him and clattered to the floor on the other side of the tower. With

a grunt he rolled across the floor, leaving a blood trail as he snatched the Walther just in time

to dodge the dragon's massive chest that crashed into the floor with bone-crushing force.

_Damnit...I hate to do it, but I'd better pull out while--yow! Son of a bitch!--_He wrenched his

shoulder back into his socket with a grimace and gazed up at the monster, blood blurring his vision red.

_My head's friggin' attached to the rest of me! _Envy spotted the conspicuous splotch of red on the

floor and struck for the kill, his fangs forming a lethal ring of white. Lupin flung something from

his jacket into Envy's open mouth, grabbing the opportunity to slip through a crack in the wall

as the bomb detonated in the dragon's jaws. A roaring scream pierced the quiet countryside

as shrapnel and fire spewed from the creature's face. He thrashed against the walls of the tower

in pain, but still was grinning through the sheet of blood pouring from his body. Beyond

the castle through the window he could see his assailant--already half-recovered, fleeing

at full speed from the castle.

_Lupin the Third...I don't know what the hell you are--no human, that's for sure--but _

_still--you won't be the one that kills me. Run back to the monkey cage or wherever the _

_hell you came from. I'm waiting for my little brother..._

Retreating into the bowels of his abode, Envy coiled, his wounds healing as his

cells regenerated and repaired the tears in his skin, as he went to sleep in wait for

the gold-eyed alchemist.

--

Lupin made a living out of being where he wasn't supposed to be. But this time, he

was in a time and place that he wasn't supposed to be in a cosmic sort of way. Gleefully

disruptive on his own world but low-lying in places where he would inevitably throw a

monkey wrench in space-time, he was careful to be inconspicuous.

Lupin spied a gathering horde of villagers and instantly he squeezed into

period clothing, dropped his native French for German, and slapped on a terrified mask

as he sped down the hill.

"Help!! Help!! A dragon!!" he shrieked, pale and waving his arms in hysterics.

"What in God's name--? Blessed sir, what's all this about a dragon?"

"I swear, it was a hundred feet tall and it was going to eat me!" He chewed on his

whitened fingers and collapsed in the villagers' arms. "I was just m-minding my own

business--I h-heard there was b-buried treasure i-in the castle, when out of the sky

comes this dragon!"

"Unbelievable!"

"Are you sure that it wasn't just a snake?" asked a skeptical villager, who wore a

long beard and spoke with his arms folded.

"I know what I saw!" squealed Lupin, one eyebrow arching as he spied a long-coated

man with a truncheon march towards him and the villagers.

"You were in that castle without authorization--good people, do not be deceived by

this criminal--surrender the ruffian to me!"

_Looks like that's my cue..._

"Don't haul me in, officer! I didn't do nothing wrong , I s-swear!"

"Hm? We will see about that. You, check his papers."

The other policeman accompanying the chief investigator made a move to rummage through

the scared thief's vestments, but Lupin suddenly leaped out of the way and ran away, still screaming

his head off about the dragon, as the police with their long coats ran heavily after him, not getting much

farther than the village limits. Meanwhile, the rumors of a dragon engulfed the village like wildfire...

..But the intent of both parties never spread beyond the castle walls.

--

It's been said that even the Gate gets tired of taking from those who knock on its doors far more than

is healthy or even possible. Others have said that seekers can trick the Gate without giving up something

of theirs, stealing their way through that forbidden passage from which few return bodily or spiritually in

one piece. And still others say that there is no Gate, that the sacrifice results from an extreme rebound in transmutation.

Jigen was happily reading his newspaper, sipping a glass of scotch, and secretly--VERY secretly,

squeezing his pink puppet from France to his heart, when pieces of a blood-soaked Lupin fell from ceiling to the floor

in a goopy nauseating mess. Jigen threw up in his mouth--a killer himself, he wasn't one to feel faint

at the sight of blood and guts, but he was the clean type--that's why he used his Magnum as opposed

to a machine gun that left the corpse practically unrecognizable. With the Magnum--two or three shots

at the most. Done, no overkill. But this display was turning him green and _holy shit I think Lupin's head_

_just landed in my fucking newspaper..._

Jigen threw the bloodied newspaper with Lupin's head on the front page on the floor and jumped on the couch.

The taste of vomit clung to his teeth and he ran to the sink and emptied the rest of his stomach on a stack of plates.

Lupin assembled himself like a human--oid jigsaw puzzle and dusted himself off, the blood disappearing back

into his reformed veins and arteries, the guts safely back in his abdomen, everything peachy. He cracked his neck

a couple of times and cocked an eyebrow at Jigen.

"What the hell's up with you--aw, damnit, son of a bitch, Jigen! Dishes don't friggin' grow on trees!" he

slapped a hand to his forehead and pointed at the vomit-coated sink.

Not in the mood, Jigen just kept his head in the sink, that now stank. He turned on the faucet full blast.

"Guess that means you didn't get friggin' knighted. In fact, looks like the dragon slayed you and he got knighted.

Go figure. I told you not to mess with that shit. I swear, you get knee deep in crap that doesn't even

concern you," the other thief gurgled, soaking in the blast of water. It and the vomit swirled down the sinkhole.

Lupin folded his arms.

"No, the dragon didn't do this. That was big baby-headed Gate people."

"What the friggin' hell?"

"Forget it, Jigen. I screwed up, dragon's still alive. Every single person in that damn village

died and I said I'd avenge them and I didn't do it."

"Hey--" The now wet dog dumped a bottle of dish soap on his head and continued

dunking his head under the faucet, still grumbling. "You're not a friggin' champion of

justice and you can't go closing the chapter of every damn book. Sometimes you gotta

live with your limitations and just go on with your own damn life--arrgh, son of a bitch!!'

Jigen jumped up from the sink, grabbing his eyes, now red and stinging with dish soap.

Lupin acknowledged with a half-hearted "Yeah" and stared into the distance. Cunning

and resourceful he was, sometimes running was the only option. But running as in a tactical

retreat--running to regroup and return to deliver the final blow--not running for good--not

failing altogether to finish what he had set out to do.

He grit his teeth and moved on, raising a fist to grasp that invisible world now

inaccessible to him, his one chance to give the villagers' souls--and his conscience

--any peace up in smoke.

Worlds away, Envy awaited Edward Elric. He could smell him thudding up the stairs.

He saw the lantern's light thrown on the wall. And the smell of metal. His heart burned

in hate and joy. Without warning, he lunged. Ed struggled in futility, in helplessness,

as the planes roared overhead, ready to deploy the Spear of Longinus into the heart

of the dragon.

END

A/N: Whee, a Lupin/Fullmetal Alchemist crossover! More bizarre than I originally

intended. oO I don't know what Lupin's supposed to be in the fic--I guess a

random non-descript non-human. Not a vampire. That was the other fic! : )

Oddly enough, this fic doesn't make sense without having watched Fullmetal

Alchemist, but I guess it makes sense even if you haven't watched Lupin.

Reference to Mikhail Bulgakov's _Heart of A Dog_, and there's a partial quote

from Koroviev in also-Bulgakov's _Master and Margarita. _There, now you all

know my obsession.

I hope you enjoyed the randomness.


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